Belly of the Beast

what the hell does that mean!? i tried to look it up and had no luck. it's times like this that i really don't like this whole blogging thing.

The challenge posed was to express a time when you were out of control.

FYI PEOPLE i don't get out of control ever. It's a fact and it's just my nature, SERIOUSLY. I suppress EVERYTHING. I've never punched someone out of sheer anger. I don't think I've ever used over 3 profanities in a sentence. I think I may have hit my sister in a fight ONCE... then cried about it and apologized later.

I asked my family if they could recall any instance in which i demonstrated uncontrolled anger or whatever. There were only two. I threatened to run away ONCE when i was 12 or something, just down the block, no less. I had been absolutely serious although now i can't even recall my logic for it. I do remember feeling like absolute crap about it later though because i had made my mom cry. The other time was when i got mad at my little sister for making noise when i repeatedly told her not too. i was probably 13 or 14. She just wouldn't stop, so i threw my textbooks on the dining room table and screamed at her, what i screamed i don't know. It couldn't have been that bad, i probably didn't even know that many bad words at the time, i don't even recall using any in this instance.

I must be the most masochistic person alive because i've never really taken my rage out on anyone except on my own psyche. Don't get me wrong, i will project my feelings on other. People know when i'm having a bad day. But if someone pisses me off, I will not make a confrontation out of it. I might make a few wise remarks and the person will understand that i don't like them, or don't agree with them. But i'm always under control. Always in check. It all stays in me. In my head, that person who pissed me off just got the beating of their life. Is that weird, sadistic? i can't say for sure but that's just how i work.

This is not to say i don't show emotion. I cry when something is sad and i laugh when something is funny. Maybe i'm scared. I've tried to let go before. I've imagined it. I got into a car accident two days ago and it was the most surreal experience of my life. When i got out of the car I was just going crazy. I must have looked it too, i must have looked insane. I just wandered aimlessly on the sidewalk, looking at the damage, ignoring all the concerned people, wondering how this happened, all the while fighting an urge. That was my problem. I was having an anxiety attack inside but i couldn't speak. I couldn't communicate it to anyone. Even when the cops came i could barely squeak out my name without breaking down. Why can't i break? break myself? I remember thinking how much i just wanted to get something out, ANYTHING, but there were no words for it. At the same, something was keeping me under control, something kept me from tearing at the seams. I was just not physically or mentally capable of doing anything rash.

I get this from my father. He is never mad or raged, he is stern. Always calm. I can recall a time i was in the passenger seat and my friend was driving us somewhere she'd never been before. She almost drove into oncoming traffic at one point and she freaked out. We were fine. We pulled onto where we were supposed to be. But all i remember was her shrieking "Oh my God!" and i just directed her "Stop, now pull over there." what the hell is wrong with me!? we could have died! I'm just so rational.

I remember another thing from the car accident: my resounding conscience, that's what i'm calling it anyway. Immediately after the impact i just sat in there in the car, inhaling the gross fumes, taking account of what had happened and coming to the terrifying realization of it all. I was freaking out. but simultaneously, a voice of reason in the back of my head said "stop the car... put it in park... get out of the car... don't get hit by oncoming traffic...".

I think i've come to something. I live in my head. No i'm not crazy. But i think over everything and act accordingly. I analyze things. I think it through. Like i said before, when i came close to breaking, i couldn't. That would not be me. Being unbreakable is me.

I've been thinking. You know what, screw you Russo and your creative course. I AM creative and i don't need you to approve that! You tell us all to show our inner shadow self, like we all have one that just lurking inside of us, waiting to pounce and shoot up the local mini mart. How dare you presume that i don't exist, a rational being. You might say that this little paragraph is my shadow self but that's not true. Honestly, i don't really resent you Doctor Russo. I'm not really offended. I accept you're way of thinking. Why don't you accept mine?..........

this rant has done nothing but utterly confuse me. Maybe i do have an inner shadow self but inside of me is where it belongs. that's why it's INNER! maybe i'll blog more about this later and make sense of it all. Will this ever make sense? Does it have to make sense? why don't i just shut up...