Sleeping Giant Mountain

we climb atop the giants back
moving on, never giving slack
we scale the steep, rocky terrain
our adrenaline quieting our pain
and soon it becomes not about our goal
but the thrill of the chase, it feeds our souls
Onward between trees we weave and wind
another path left behind
We've reached the peak and are mezmerized
seeing through the sleeping giants eyes
Big broccoli heads of yellow red and green
blanket the land leaving nothing else to be seen
Our time on the sleeping giant was far too short
but sooner or later, our mission, we had to abort
Hopping down the cleavage of the mountain side
hoping to return and once again see through the giant's eyes.

Inner child?

Just a normal extremely busy day in my life. I rarely stop to take in a moment. Come to think of it though, something important happened. I had an encounter with my inner child. It was so subtle that i barely realized it. i didn't recognize that natural part of me that had been buried under standardized tests, peer pressure, and master prommissory notes.
I teach a jazz/hip-hop class for 6 year olds consisting basically of hopping around to a Hannah Montana dance mix for 45 minutes. I was NOT in the mood. I just got out of work, applied for my passport, got to work on getting my student loans in order; i was a responsible young ADULT today, and this dance class seemed an utter waste of my precious minutes.
However, being a young adult, i had to grin and bear it, it was my OBLIGATION. My dance teacher sensed my uptightness and encouraged me in her broken English "Be free, Jessica, be like a child, have fun!" She was right, i did need to loosen up or this 45 minutes really would be a waste.
As i walked into the studio the expecting eyes of the little girls waited to be amazed. Yea, right...what to do.... jump around? "Alright guys, shake it out!" I wiggled around and they followed, giggling but getting the idea. I wriggled out of my grown-up shell. As we danced on i found myself envious of these 6 year olds. They really were free. They sang out loud, jumped around, they did what they felt. As the class went on i found myself lowering my guard. There was no one around to judge or critique. Not a single weird look thrown my way, no "constructive criticism", not a thought of whether i was doing something right or wrong. I wasn't Jessica Volpe, I was Jessie. My inner child made an appearance.
I can't remember the last time i truly felt this way. I am passionate about dance. It is something that i love to do. But it is so easy to get caught up in technique and honing skills that you forget to let yourself go, to let the music pull you this way and that and not care if you make a mistake or even a silly face. Dance is about expressing yourself, and I'd forgotten that.

Thoughts Before Bed

Staring blankly at my curtains,
I can't think with my eyes shut
restless, restless,
In Theology my eye won't open,
In my bed they cannot close,
how annoying!
Tomorrow, tomorrow,
So much to do before the weekend.
Nails, dress, shoes, tan,
MONEY MONEY MONEY
I really can't afford all of this
Melissa is coming up from Georgia this weekend,
No time to hang out, blah!
where has my life gone?!
Family coming up for the wedding.
Lay on my side,
flip my pillow,
turn onto my back,
hands over head, under blanket,
So tired.....
~Rrringgg~
......stupid alarm!

FLICKR

my first batch of photos is in flickr :D

Flickr

So i'm completely fed up with this blogger thing only letting me upload pics "when it feels like it". I've had enough! I made a flickr account and i'm just going to post whenever i update the pics :) SOLUTION!

Highway 61 Revisited

so this pic would be crazy bob dylan hurling a brick at nothing,

what a nut!

Supposedly Russo gave us Bob Dylan songs based on our personality but i really don't see the purpose in mine, Highway 61 Revisited. It is a bunch of random occasions where someone has some issue and someone else tells them to take their problems out to Highway 61. That's basically it.
I tried to do some research on it and did not come up with much. People thought that the "highway" was a reference for hitting a good vein when you're shooting up i guess, i don't really know much about that. This would mean pretty much that Dylan is suggesting drug use as the cure to problems.
In the first stanza Dylan describes Abraham (Abe) sacrificing his son. Bob Dylan's father's name was Abe so some sources suggested this to be symbolistic of Dylan's dad.
There are also assumptions made about the significance of Highway 61. Highway 61 is said to run through the places where blues, folk, and rock really got their start. It is also nearby where Dylan grew up.
No review i read suggested any real message within the song. I didn't really come up with anything either. I haven't really been able to get into the whole Bob Dylan thing but this song was pretty good, it didn't put me to sleep.

Sinking

Life's waters are thick and opaque,

I struggle to stay awake.

The current thrusts me about more than i can bear,

I flail and fail and remain drowning there.

Ripping winds of change blind my sight,

As i go under, how much longer can i fight?

In the dark sea there is no direction,

Is there any possible resurrection?

Then out of midnight you appeared,

Luminous against all of my dangerous fears.

My salvation from the wreckage, you guided me aboard,

and in your warm arms, my safe haven was restored.

Time of Freedom

Tides of wind swept the coral ocean of my dress,
millions of pins in my hair feeling distress.
I'd heard the calls behind me to slow down,
all i left were my prints on the ground.
I met the waves on shore as I gasped for air,
my lungs were closing but i'd met my heart there.
A panorama streamed beyond of fuschia and gray,
i stood by while my yearning eyes begged them to stay.
Only I understood my flight to the end of the world,
running down a beach to a sunset, a foolish girl.

I'll Just Say It...

I don't really know who i am...
really, i don't
i feel like i can be whatever i want to be
i can be whatever other people want me to be
in a way i just mold to situations
sitting alone in my room, it's hard for me to pinpoint who i really am

i'm nice
i'm really mean
i could care less about what you have to say
i want to know more about you
do i really care about people or do i just ask to make them feel better?
It's a battle within myself, CONSTANT
i'm mean then i counter it with nice
I'm nice then i grow weary of it and i'm mean

what kind of person am i?
is this the definiton of bipolar or human?

what are the constants...

i am honest and when i'm not i hate it, i hate lying
always sarcastic
always overthinking
easygoing
i can definitely dish it but i most certainly cannot take it
i have a hard time expressing real emotion (hate that about myself)
i tend to show off (hate that too)


that's enough self-analysis for now

Unmoving

I need a change

it's strange

that i need a change

of scenery

I need a change

to test my range

perhaps a change

of pace

I need a change

should i rearrange

to have a change

of mind

I need a change

people to estrange

in order to change

my influences.

Time of Collision: a true story

all so sudden

first i'm wondering how i'm possibly babysitting the Demarcos

then all of a sudden a big CRUSHHHHH

i blanked out

when i realized what happened i thought i was imagining it all

it was like i was shell shocked

"hello...HELLO... Jess?... Hello?"

I looked up to see smoke clouding my sight

I saw the car in front of me pull away

hit the brake

put the car in park

move..... MOVE!... why aren't you moving?!

can i move?

i look at my hands blankly

i'm confused

no no no no no

NO NO NO

SHIT

oh my God

these fumes smell funny

It's all over my hands

i'm going to suffocate

get out of the car now, you're fine

i grab my cell phone off the deflated passenger side airbag

"Miss, are you ok?"

"Are you alright?!"

i nodded

I couldn't stop shaking

I started to pant uncontrollably

what happened?

where's the other car?

maybe he just went away

please just go away

no one else is involved

i'm hyperventilating

i can't breathe

i feel like my stomach is going to pop out of my skin

"C'mon, sit down, calm down"

i sit, it helps

i can't sit

our insurance won't cover this

kates already had two accidents

omg this is all my fault

how did this happen!

how did i do that

i'm so stupid!

how was i not paying attention?

i didn't even see it

o god

"Ma'am can you please tell me what happened?"

i squeaked and couldn't talk

every time i opened my mouth i started to cry

i couldn't speak without breaking down

comforting people

"miss how is your heart, is your heart alright?"

i'm such an idiot

waves of anxiety kept rising as i kept suppressing

i wished i was alone in my room so i could cry

once i start i can't stop

they're all being so nice but i can see in their eyes

they wish they could be mad

calm down calm down calm down

i don't know what to do

i don't know what to do

all i did was glance at my phone

i'd had a missed call

must've pressed send on accident

does jenn demarco know?

did she hear the crash?

how did this happen..........

ah, my hand is burned


--i'm not looking for sympathy or anything here, but no one ever writes this kind of stuff and it made me feel better about the whole thing. and fyi i did not "black" out in the beginning there, i just didn't realize what had happened, but i really feel i can only describe it as "blanking" out, that's what it felt like.--

Belly of the Beast

what the hell does that mean!? i tried to look it up and had no luck. it's times like this that i really don't like this whole blogging thing.

The challenge posed was to express a time when you were out of control.

FYI PEOPLE i don't get out of control ever. It's a fact and it's just my nature, SERIOUSLY. I suppress EVERYTHING. I've never punched someone out of sheer anger. I don't think I've ever used over 3 profanities in a sentence. I think I may have hit my sister in a fight ONCE... then cried about it and apologized later.

I asked my family if they could recall any instance in which i demonstrated uncontrolled anger or whatever. There were only two. I threatened to run away ONCE when i was 12 or something, just down the block, no less. I had been absolutely serious although now i can't even recall my logic for it. I do remember feeling like absolute crap about it later though because i had made my mom cry. The other time was when i got mad at my little sister for making noise when i repeatedly told her not too. i was probably 13 or 14. She just wouldn't stop, so i threw my textbooks on the dining room table and screamed at her, what i screamed i don't know. It couldn't have been that bad, i probably didn't even know that many bad words at the time, i don't even recall using any in this instance.

I must be the most masochistic person alive because i've never really taken my rage out on anyone except on my own psyche. Don't get me wrong, i will project my feelings on other. People know when i'm having a bad day. But if someone pisses me off, I will not make a confrontation out of it. I might make a few wise remarks and the person will understand that i don't like them, or don't agree with them. But i'm always under control. Always in check. It all stays in me. In my head, that person who pissed me off just got the beating of their life. Is that weird, sadistic? i can't say for sure but that's just how i work.

This is not to say i don't show emotion. I cry when something is sad and i laugh when something is funny. Maybe i'm scared. I've tried to let go before. I've imagined it. I got into a car accident two days ago and it was the most surreal experience of my life. When i got out of the car I was just going crazy. I must have looked it too, i must have looked insane. I just wandered aimlessly on the sidewalk, looking at the damage, ignoring all the concerned people, wondering how this happened, all the while fighting an urge. That was my problem. I was having an anxiety attack inside but i couldn't speak. I couldn't communicate it to anyone. Even when the cops came i could barely squeak out my name without breaking down. Why can't i break? break myself? I remember thinking how much i just wanted to get something out, ANYTHING, but there were no words for it. At the same, something was keeping me under control, something kept me from tearing at the seams. I was just not physically or mentally capable of doing anything rash.

I get this from my father. He is never mad or raged, he is stern. Always calm. I can recall a time i was in the passenger seat and my friend was driving us somewhere she'd never been before. She almost drove into oncoming traffic at one point and she freaked out. We were fine. We pulled onto where we were supposed to be. But all i remember was her shrieking "Oh my God!" and i just directed her "Stop, now pull over there." what the hell is wrong with me!? we could have died! I'm just so rational.

I remember another thing from the car accident: my resounding conscience, that's what i'm calling it anyway. Immediately after the impact i just sat in there in the car, inhaling the gross fumes, taking account of what had happened and coming to the terrifying realization of it all. I was freaking out. but simultaneously, a voice of reason in the back of my head said "stop the car... put it in park... get out of the car... don't get hit by oncoming traffic...".

I think i've come to something. I live in my head. No i'm not crazy. But i think over everything and act accordingly. I analyze things. I think it through. Like i said before, when i came close to breaking, i couldn't. That would not be me. Being unbreakable is me.

I've been thinking. You know what, screw you Russo and your creative course. I AM creative and i don't need you to approve that! You tell us all to show our inner shadow self, like we all have one that just lurking inside of us, waiting to pounce and shoot up the local mini mart. How dare you presume that i don't exist, a rational being. You might say that this little paragraph is my shadow self but that's not true. Honestly, i don't really resent you Doctor Russo. I'm not really offended. I accept you're way of thinking. Why don't you accept mine?..........

this rant has done nothing but utterly confuse me. Maybe i do have an inner shadow self but inside of me is where it belongs. that's why it's INNER! maybe i'll blog more about this later and make sense of it all. Will this ever make sense? Does it have to make sense? why don't i just shut up...